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Monday, November 29, 2010
Olive
I am proud to announce that I am a Mommy to Olive, my 1 year Jack Russell that I adopted from the SPCA on Friday. She is sweet and affectionate, and very calm! She is excellent on a leash, house broken, and couldn't be any cuter! I look forward to a long and happy life with Miss Olive!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish fingers perfectly.
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
The design marvels that is Velcro-strap shoes.
Locations of public toilets all across town.
Never to stick a finger into a childs nappy to see if its wet.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost 'comfort' blanket.
That tigers live in the trees in our back garden and that you have to ritually look for monsters under the bed and in cupboards.
The amazing technicolor variety and 'Play-doh' consistancy of infant stool.
The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or pieces of Lego.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
Just how high a baby boy can pee when you are changing his nappy.
How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
That one can never own too many refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
That reverse psychology really works.
The recipe for a homemade version of 'Play-doh'.
That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
The distinctive sounds of Rice Crispies crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy Meals.
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
The design marvels that is Velcro-strap shoes.
Locations of public toilets all across town.
Never to stick a finger into a childs nappy to see if its wet.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost 'comfort' blanket.
That tigers live in the trees in our back garden and that you have to ritually look for monsters under the bed and in cupboards.
The amazing technicolor variety and 'Play-doh' consistancy of infant stool.
The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or pieces of Lego.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
Just how high a baby boy can pee when you are changing his nappy.
How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
That one can never own too many refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
That reverse psychology really works.
The recipe for a homemade version of 'Play-doh'.
That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
The distinctive sounds of Rice Crispies crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy Meals.
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
Thanksgiving Rules and Regulations
1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They re not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their momma’s and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET.
1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They re not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their momma’s and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
failblog
This is a website I <3 sooo much. You will see lots of posts from it. I GIVE U PROPS FAILBLOG.ORG!!!!!
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.
The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway. Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday. So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
(via Phil's Phun)
The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway. Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday. So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
(via Phil's Phun)
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